As I began to think about this issued of the SIECUS Report on 'Sexual Pleasure,' it occurred to me that as a society our relationship with any kind of pleasure, especially physical, is fraught with numerous contradictions.
We strive for pleasures yet are made to feel guilty when we achieve them. We bombard our young people with images of pleasure yet teach them only about those they should avoid. We keep pleasure as the ultimate secret of sexuality yet assume that when they are old enough (and in a relationship we approve of) all people will be able to have it.
Ours is a society based largely on the idea that new and better products will bring us pleasure and happiness.
If we are rich enough and thin enough we can spend our days in luxurious rooms eating bon bons and having massages. Advertisements tell us that, in the meantime, we can experience some luxury by driving the newest sports car, eating the latest decadent chocolate-covered ice cream bar, and swathing ourselves in the latest fashions.
At the same time, the average consumer is made to feel guilty for enjoying any of these pleasures. For, if we've done so, we have clearly spent too much money and gone off our diet. And for every pleasure we indulge in, we are reminded that much of the world's population goes without simple necessities. Is there any way for us to feel pleasure without simultaneously feeling guilt?
TEACHING GUILT
It is, in fact, this guilt that we teach our young people. Instead of teaching them about things they can do to take pleasure in this world and even in their bodies, we spend much of their education telling them that those things that might bring temporary pleasure are ultimately harmful and should be avoided. We teach our children to avoid drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. And unfortunately, we often add sexuality to that list.
While alcohol abuse, drug use, and smoking are things we never want for our children, sexuality is a natural and healthy part of life. While adults may disagree about when it is appropriate for young people to explore this part of their lives, almost all parents want their children to have a healthy adult sex life.
Still, too often, schools fear teaching teens about the positive aspects of sexuality. Teachers and administrators ask themselves: Might even mentioning that sexual acts feel good give teens newfound incentive to try them? Do discussions on sexual pleasure implicitly condone those enjoyable behaviors? Will parents complain that the school is encouraging students to experiment? And even though research confirms that education about sexuality does not encourage sexual activity, teachers continue to censor themselves when it comes to the topic of pleasure.
So sexual pleasure is rarely named and, instead, those lessons that do focus on sexuality concentrate on teen pregnancy, HIV, and STDs. Students quietly learn the same lessons that they did about illegal and otherwise harmful substances: This might feel good temporarily but it is dangerous, harmful, and you won't be able to control it.
BUT HOW DO WE LEARN?
Teaching young people about sexuality is usually a responsibility shared by schools and families. When it comes to sexual pleasure, however, families are not necessarily addressing what schools are leaving out.
Being asked to share personal details about their own sex life is an almost universal fear among parents when discussing sexuality with their children. And children, who by nature don't want to see their parents as sexual beings, also often fear being confronted with such information. Few topics have the potential to bring up such discomfort.
Yet if families and schools fail to address the issue, the media and advertisements become the only venue for information about sexual pleasure. Once again the message is that if you are rich enough and thin enough (or buy a particular product), sex will be perfectly choreographed.
Parents need to counter these unrealistic notions of sexual pleasure with honest discussions because only they can impart their own values and those of their communities. And it is our responsibility as sexuality educators to help them do this. We must help them acknowledge the potential for discomfort and assure them that it is possible to discuss sexual pleasure without discussing their own sexual behavior.
Our young people deserve open and honest messages about all aspects of their sexuality. We need to incorporate positive messages about sexuality with public health concerns about STDs and adolescent pregnancy.
In order to be able to provide this, we need to first challenge ourselves to resolve our contradictions regarding pleasure. Only then will we be able to raise a generation of sexually healthy adults.
